Frustration

I've been giving myself a little bit of time to digest my latest session with Joy and Ben. It seems like lately I've been scheduling appointments back to back with my Psychiatrist and my Therapist. It's actually kind of good to get two differing perspectives at the same time.

Joy mentioned that she thinks I'm making significant progress. She cites the fact that I'm willing to be introspective, taking steps to self-soothe, and taking some responsibility for my feelings as her benchmarks towards success. I'm still a little leery of her observations and analysis. I really don't feel like I've changed my way of thinking all that much. Sometimes, I think it's just my medication that is allowing me to feel this way.

Ben on the other hand still acknowledges that I have a long way to go in order to have a happy life and have healthy productive relationships. I think his observations are more in line with my own. As a therapist, he is trained to read the subtleties of body language and expression as well as listening to my words. Hes beginning to give me instant feedback on those observations. I like that. It shows me how I'm really feeling even if I don't know it myself.

Overall, I'm feeling frustrated with my progress. I'm continuing to "act as if." As if everything is OK. As if my relationships aren't strained. As if I feel like I'm in total control. As if my friends and family have no idea and think everything is status quo.

My reality is that I'm not in control. What little grasp I have is purely on the moment. Much of this is from my yoga practice. The moment is really all we have and if I can grasp onto that then I should be able to find some peace......unfortunately it isn't so. I have a good grasp on the moment, but the moment has so many questions left unanswered that it almost makes me feel worse. I find myself grasping for relationships outside myself that will soothe me instead of looking inward for joy. I hope that someday I can find happiness and peace with myself without need for others to give it to me. Only then, I think can I truly be happy and healthy.


I've started working on my commuter bike in earnest. With gas prices creeping past $4 a gallon it makes sense. Plus, riding a bike is one of the things that makes me truly happy and free. I love being on my own on the road. Moving slower than the normal 75 MPH traffic gives me time to think. I've stripped down my frame and have begun to paint it. I've got a good base coat curing right now. When I get home from work tonight, I'll start to wet sand it and lay down the final coats of paint. Hopefully I'll have it finished by the end of the weekend! I'll take some pictures tonight of my progress so you can see where I'm at. I'm looking forward to the 12 mile ride to and from work during the nice warm summer months.

I hope you are all finding some peaceful, relaxing moments.

A